Genre: Experimental noir
Last night had been filled with stars, soft music from her lips. Promises.
This morning it is fog and mud. Mold and glass rings on my kitchen table. It could be Monday but it’s not.
A scribbled note: Goodbye. Unsigned.
Smell of cheap perfume and the drumbeat of a lost fly trying in vain escaping through the window-pane. I’m in decay.
In my fridge a half-filled can of beer, stained with lipstick, It’s the closest thing to a morning kiss I’ll get today. I sip it slowly recalling smell of rotting teeth. Hers.
It’s time to plan for night again. Hunt.
First I have to apologize to Rochelle for using her wonderful kitchen view to create something so filled with filth. I think my inspiration came more from the foggy fields outside. Secondly I try to be a little bit more experimental here, using single-word incomplete sentences, but I’m curious how it works to create an impression from a Nighthawk’s morning. Therefore I join the concrit subgroup this week. There is some intentional ambiguity here, and I see that several things could have happened, and will happen.
Friday Fictioneers is a blog-group who every week try to capture a story in 100 words from the same image. The group is headed by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and to learn more you can go visit her site.
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December 16, 2015
Loved the line about the ‘closest thing to a morning kiss’ – powerful. The whole piece is powerfully moody, and yet vaguely distasteful at the same time. Excellent Bjorn!
Thank you.. That was exactly the effect I wanted to achieve. Not the type of writing that would work for a novel but I would really like to try it in a longer story.
This was a dark story indeed, Bjorn. It leads us to wonder just who this mysterious woman is and her hold on the man. Well done with good description. 🙂 — Suzanne
I wanted to keep some threads open. A little bit of confusion doesn’t hurt.
Dear Björn,
Never apologize for where the photo took you. You followed your imagination and did it well. Your short clipped sentences work extremely well in this piece.
Shalom,
Rochelle
PS I love Nighthawks.
Ha.. I guess it’s right. The picture worked for me that way. I usually just take the first emotion I get from a picture… but then the story grows from there.
I liked what you did, and how you did it.
But it did leave me confused, I confess.
Note, rotting teeth, hunt?
It might just be me, but I don’t know what went on.
Ah.. yes those sentences are hooks. It’s interesting to hear what people read from them.. I had my own thinking of what had happened and where it was heading… but they are not really closed or explained.
Very intriguing …. my guess a serial killer who keeps the dead bodies till they rot or just their heads.
And he hunts at night for a new girl.
Very well done.
I thought it could be a serial killer… it could also be a hunt for one-night-stands… and maybe for him only the few with rotted teeth would come… but that’s the ambiguity…. that’s for part 2 or 3 if I ever write them
Oh! Would be nice to see what happens.
Hope you write it
Damn, dude. This is flipping AWESOME. I love a good serial killer poem … at least, that’s how I read this. Also asylum poems, should you get in the mood later. 😉
Did you ever see this?
http://tarotandsalamanders.blogspot.com/2015/12/by-ed-hopper.html
Ah.. yes serial killer is certainly an option.. it’s for sure an alternative.
Or vampire or werewolf or meth user. Or complete metaphor for a tragic relationship.
Also, I love the “Mo(a)nday” layering hiding in the title.
Great piece. Love the mystery behind it. He’s definitely not a fellow I’d be hanging around with. Sounds like a murder mystery to me. The rotten teeth would be from last night’s victim – I imagine some backwoods, uneducated woman (who never brushed her teeth) because perhaps she wouldn’t be noticed missing?
I think it could be… or just a cheap one-night-stand.
HA. I know better. You’re stories are never as simple as a cheap one night stand 🙂 Otherwise, that would be a possibility.
You obviously mix with some rather unsavoury characters. And then you write about them.
Ouch.. no I actually find my characters in imagination and fears of being one… 🙂 I need to write about kittens sometime
Ha. Kittens.
They are cute .. aren’t they.
Until they scratch.
This whole thing is stunning!
Thank you.. I think my prose can be overly poetic sometimes…
Lol. Don’t think that’s possible. 🙂
Agree with some of the previous posters – the style of your writing is great in this; some gorgeous imagery and the whole thing is (clearly intentionally) grimy – it sets the reader on edge. “the drumbeat of a lost fly trying in vain escaping through the window-pane” is particularly powerful, although “to escape” would be more grammatically sound.
What confused me a bit was the fact that your hooks seemed to contradict one another. Ambiguity is great but it’s always good to offer your readers a couple of plausible conclusions. The note implied she’d left, the rotting teeth perhaps that she was long-dead, murdered by him? This was backed up by the hunt, but if she was long-dead, he couldn’t have heard soft promises from her last night…
I really did like this overall; I just wanted that spine-tingling inkling that something had gone wrong and we were on the verge of finding it out what it was.
Ah .. yes I can see that point.. and the grammar is certainly something I had overlooked (or intended to save a word)… Thank you for the feedback.
I find that I’m a lot stricter on grammar when I have more words to play with! 😀
And single word sentences are never correct… but once I found that even the great Dickens broke that particular rule sometimes… (look at the first sentence in Bleak House for instance) I thought it would be OK.
I completely agree – I might hate Dickens (controversial, but I do!) but I do love a good one-line sentence!
The first piece of Bleak House is perfection despite what I might think about his plots sometimes.
I disagree. The more ambiguous and contradictory, the better. I love confusion because it invites me to invent. That’s what I’m looking for in poetry and art. But I’m certainly in the minority.
This is probably a scene from the show, The Walking Dead.
I really like the short sentences; I think they can be powerful in small doses. “Unsigned” is perfect. I didn’t get the ominous serial killer vibe that others did. Closer would be: the sadness of serial one-night stands. The night before seemed so lovely and magical, yet the morning light reveals the reality of the cheap perfume and rotted teeth and drinking last night’s stale beer. Ah well, back out tonight to search for a new dream…
Yes that was what I thought.. rotted teeth was something I thought would associate with meth rather than death…
C – I’m in the camp with Joy; this felt more hopeless than wicked… the “serial one-night stands” as she said. The note was the surprise for me, as if one or the other of them had expectations of something more. Nicely done.
Ah.. yes maybe there is still some remains of politeness… But I think both characters are sinking …
C – I absolutely love, in a grisly way the image of the lipstick on the can being a kiss – wonderful. I also like how ambiguous it is, but I’m a bit confused (although maybe that doesn’t matter). He seems to have lured her back to his house, but she’s left him in the morning. The rotting teeth suggest to me that she might be a corpse (and that’s his thing), but then not sure why she would be leaving him. But, perhaps answers aren’t needed; the atmosphere and writing was spot on.
I thought rotting teeth was a well known indication of drug abuse (not yet a corpse) … so yes I think she left him for her chemical romance…
Ah! I didn’t get that at all. But definitely my mistake!
This piece for me has a really grim, moody tone that is so well written. There are so many things I like about it, the imagery, the monday line, that “morning kiss”. Seriously, well done. The only thing for me is that I’m not a big fan of “hunt” on it’s own. It’s dramatic but maybe too ambiguous?
I can see what you mean.. the hunt was more intended to state the plans for the night… another effort in finding someone to take to his bed.
Chlling!
I think so too..
Sounds like he has reanimated a moldy corpse, had some, err, fun and it left him again in the morning and returned to the grave. Fairly normal occurrence…lol.
HA.. necrophilia was not on my mind… but maybe it was close.
Yikes! Now that’s scary.
DJ
Not the best way to start a day.
Oh, I love the noir in film and story. My fiction-mind took this is so many directions…serial killer, necrophiliac. I guess I watch too much “Criminal Minds.” Do you get that series?
When my life settles down a bit, I really want to join this group. Good job, Bjorn!
I have not seen that series, but I did watch quite a lot of CSI once… I think this group is fun because you get constructive feedback… i think you would enjoy it.
I liked this grimy tale. I read the comments and I never thought she was a corpse but that’s probably just me. Not a fan or believer in the undead. Reality is scary enough for me. Eww rotting teeth.
No critism. Great work.
Tracey
Rotting teeth was not something that I thought of as corpse but just someone not taking care of herself.. or maybe meth as well…
That’s how I read it too. It is strange how a window brought forth very similar stories for you and I. Maybe windows evoke loneliness because they isolate you from the world outside. I have to say that my character was a smoker but his teeth were good. ha ha I wouldn’t kiss either though.
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The “drum beat of the lost fly” really grabbed me. I like the short, incomplete sentence style of this piece. It matches the mood of the day after and is great setup for the rest of whatever happens that day.
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Thank you.. Yes maybe i should use it to build a longer story.
Try it. I would love to read more about what happens to this person on this particular day.
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I also have many ideas of what might be happening! I’m going with “one-night-stand guy”. Great piece.
🙂 Yeah… i think I would have to make that clearer too.
I like the moodiness of this piece very much. The bit about her rotting teeth, and his preparation for another “hunt” lead to believe that he hunts among meth and crack addicts for his devious desires. Very dark indeed.
Maybe that was the only one he could get…. hmm I will have to think about how to fit this into a longer story.
Perfect murder most foul – him drinking her stale beer was really nasty.
🙂 yes that’s another kind of kiss… I didn’t tell you about the cigarette ash in the beer…
This is real greasy kitchen sink drama – with an added kick in the guts!
I would think there is some head-ache as well.
I was expecting a nice romantic evening with stars, moonlight and perhaps champagne. What a surprise! A night from hell. 🙂
Lily
Maybe not the night, but certainly the morning.
it’s a well-constructed story. i wouldn’t change a thing.
Thank you… I might use it to spring-board into something bigger.
A perfect atmosphere of cheap, tawdry flings recreated here and some vivid imagery along the way. Maybe instead of revealing the message on the note it could just be “An unsigned scribbled note of farewell”.
Ah.. yes that could be… but I did like to keep the language consistent.
She sounds like the kind of fish you’d throw back anyway. Surely, he’ll catch a better one next time.
When you mention it, there was a smell of fish lingering… hmm
wonderfully sinister…
I like this – the words evoke a scene of a man who wants something out a relationship but doesn’t and continues to keep seeking it.
C- the single word/incomplete sentences works for me.
I like short abrupt sentences sometimes. If you want your reader to stop and take stock of what you just said, I think it’s a good technique. I also think they create the feeling of your character discovering things piece by piece.
I’m not sure if he hunts her at night like a wild animal (rotting teeth) or if she is taunting him somehow in a way he doesn’t understand (like the movie Memento). Great evocative piece.
This is great. I love this line the most: “Smell of cheap perfume and the drumbeat of a lost fly trying in vain escaping through the window-pane. I’m in decay.” There’s something about a dead fly that just seems so hopeless. I was curious about her rotting teeth. The “hunt” puts a whole different chill into it.
It works well, though the rotting teeth got to me.
I read this as a drug world. The half can of beer, cheap perfume, mold, and the rotting teeth.
Indeed, that was what I aimed for… thank you.
Loved it. That flip from sensual midnight memories to morning dirt is very well done here. The mud, the decay, the rotting teeth…paints a real picture. nice.
I’m also a big fan of the single word sentences – particularly with the Fictioneers 100 word limit. You’ve used them well here – well placed, and not too many.
Only thing I didnt get was the line about ‘it could be monday, but it’s not’. I suspect I’m missing something subtle here.
Cheers
KT
The Monday line was a referral to the special kind of hangover you might have on Mondays… maybe too obscure.
Dark and somber, viscerally impactful. You’ve really pulled out all the stops here, Björn; I love it!
I did stop myself and didn’t put a cigarette but in the beer… 🙂
Thank God for small favors! 😉
What a vision, those rotten teeth! I love the way you pace your words to produce that sultry, decayed atmosphere. Excellent writing.
I love the mood of this – your images are evocative, painting a very sordid scene.
Well done. You are right, it was not of a uplifting spirit… neither is all of life. The trip you allowed us to take felt very real.